Bump in the road

The journey to self love and awareness isn't smooth. There are many things that can go "bump in the night" that may veer you off course. Today was just one of those days where I wasn't totally prepared for it.

My sisters, mum and me

Today has been a difficult day for me.

I’ve been presented with situation after situation made to trigger the feeling of abandonment within me. 

From a text reminding me I need to move out of my sublease home tomorrow to my mum ditching our plans to spend time together... 

I’ve been truly challenged today.

In the space of consciously living, you learn to respond to these situations rather than to react to them. I’ve tried today to respond to these situations with acceptance and ease. In doing so I’ve found myself crying intermittently and pushing away the help I’ve asked for when it was finally ready to be there for me.

I sit here now wondering why it is that I still react with this stubbornness and almost entitlement to the help I desire. 

You knew your lease would end? Yes. You knew you needed to find somewhere to live by now? Yes. You didn’t make the necessary plans because you expected you could just move in with your mum? Yes. You can move in with her? Yes. You don’t want to now because she ditched your plans today and now you feel let down by her? Yes. Why do you feel she let you down? She chose to spend time with others over me. How does that make you feel? Sad and upset. Why do you feel sad and upset? I feel like I’m alone on this journey and I don’t have anyone to help when I need it the most. Why do you need to have these people help you in your moments of true need? For my sense of security and love. Can you find this sense of security within yourself and show yourself the love instead? Yes.. I can. 

This is the conversation I just had with myself to process this day.

Why did I stubbornly say no to my mum when she eventually was able to help me and why was I acting in a state of entitlement believing that she needed and should have helped me rather than my sister (who she chose to be with today instead)?

I chose to deny her help because I had felt abandoned by her, that she had chose someone else over me. In actuality, she was only triggering that feeling of abandonment that I already had within. I felt abandoned not by my mother but by my self. I felt un-loved not by my mother but by MY SELF. All of these feelings that were rising within me were already there. From memories of past experiences of my own and that of past lives.

I didn’t need my mum, I wanted her there for her maternal energy. To nurture me, support me and make me feel safe. I’ve relied on my mum for that my whole life and now that I’m reaching a point of truly venturing into life “alone”, it’s coming up and out of me in true hurt, pain and sadness. It’s pouring out of me in tears I can’t and won’t stop and a true heaviness in my heart. 

This is all part of the deep healing process that is needed and that I chose to partake in.

I am actively and consciously healing myself. It is not an easy road to take. It is a road with challenge after challenge, put there to see how you respond, how you turn up to the challenge and ultimately how you evolve from it. 

My response to today’s challenges wasn’t perfect. It’s not always (or ever) going to be perfect. It’ll just be what it’s meant to be. Today it was meant to be tears and hurt. Pain and loss. Deep rooted and heavy. Stubborn and entitled. So that it could come up, be healed and turn into acceptance and understanding.

I’m learning every single day. Not one day is the same as any other. There are up days and down days. It’s a lot to process but it’s all there for your growth.

If you ever feel this same way, know that you’re not alone. You’re never alone. Your tribe is out there, waiting for you to open up and show your light. I’m out there waiting to meet you all too. 

To all the beautiful souls out there who live everyday on this journey, I send you love and light. I’m here with you. To every single soul in our beautiful world living and breathing, I send you love and light too. We are all in this together and we are all going through this whether we are aware of it or not. Keep on going, keep on living and keep on loving.

Stephanie xx